MISSION IMPOSSIBLE – THE STEVE BULL TOILET EXPERIENCE

“To pee or not to pee ? That is the question” 

Unfortunately and especially if the great bard had knocked back a few pints before the game the answer would be “to pee”

When you gotta go, you gotta go.

 

First, you edge across the seats, built when the average person weighed about three stone less than we do now and was therefore much easier to squeeze past or climb over.

 

You make it to the isle and then down the steps to the concourse. 

Here, you are confronted by a sea of humanity, crammed together moving along very slowly in different directions. Moses parted the red sea and lead the Israelites out of Egypt to the promised land. If only he could turn up now, part the crowded concourse in the Steve Bull and lead me to the bog.

 

You take a deep breath and step into the throng. Battling against the various tides and currents of people until you eventually reach the log jam at the Khazi entrance and then slowly, inch by inch, you edge your way into the packed privy.

 

The shiny steel troughs that stretch across the walls on either side are rammed. Fat, thin, young, old, all standing with their backs to you relieving themselves.

 

This is where experience is vital.

 

My advice – Don’t stand behind someone old. The older you get, the larger the prostate. The larger the prostate, the longer it takes you to get going, the more effort needed to get going the more likelyhood of involuntary wind breaking and when the old do finally start to empty their aging bladders it is normally a dribble as opposed to a stream and can take for what seems like a lifetime.

 

Also, unlike the young, the old can’t just finish, zip up and go. They have to make absolutely sure that there is “nothing left in the tank” before they “tuck the old fella away” because if there are “a few dregs left in the bottom of the barrel” they don’t want them dribbling out and down their legs after they have “re-trousered the snake” 

 

So the older fan will stand facing the urinal, with a strange look on his face for an extra dozen or so seconds and may even “shake” a couple of times in an attempt to avoid unpleasant and unwelcome post-pee drips.

 

All this is very time consuming and you will often hear (mid stream) someone shout “They’re coming out for the second half”

Now you have another dilemma. Do you join the queue to wash your hands and miss the re-start or will a cursory wipe of the hand down the front of your jeans be sufficient ????

 

I’m saying nothing.

 

When you hear the name Steve Bull the first thought that should spring to mind is “Fantastic striker, club legend” but sadly, for many, it’s “Huge queue for a slash”

 

Saying all this, when I went online to get tickets for the Liverpool FA Cup replay there were spaces available in every stand, all at the same price.

Guess where I’ll be ?

Yep. The Steve Bull.

See you in the bog.